I spent the past two night and this morning crying so hard I gave myself a headache. My eyes are puffy and sad.
Here's what's been hurting lately:
When I think of the life we lost, the dream of becoming parents, and embarking on this amazing journey together. We used to leave each other little notes, "I love you, BM!" "I love you, BD!" J was always so worried about me exerting any kind of effort. The feeling of my body changing. The hope for the future. The absolute certain knowledge that God had been faithful and had fulfilled his promise.
Gone.
Maybe not forever, but for now.
And I see myself stuck in the mire of my grief, numb and joyless, while everyone around me is living, loving, experiencing, and for the love of all that's good and holy, ridiculously pregnant.
So. Super sad-face.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Random
My therapist wants me to journal all of my feelings.
It's really not that interesting. There's a whole lotta I'm sad and I spent the day crying, and yada, yada, yada.
Sometimes I wish I could write faster. It seems as if I'm on my fifth thought and I haven't even finished writing my first. I worry that I'll forget to write down what I'm feeling and then I'll have to FEEL it again. And I hate that my handwriting is so messy.
I've thought about using the computer and keeping my journal in Word. But somehow I feel that's less genuine. Maybe my messy handwriting is indicative of my jumbled up feelings.
In any case, it's wordy and all mixed up and a pain to keep up with in general. But when my therapist talks, I listen.
Which made me think, it must've been a bitch to write novels in the days before computers. Everything by hand? Sheesh. Editing must've been a nightmare. I mean, think of Shakespeare. If that doesn't make your hand cramp up I don't know what will.
I guess people back then had problems, too.
2010, A Retrospective AKA "The Charlie Brown" Year
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Consistent Therapy, Acupuncture, IVF, Pregnancy, Miscarriage
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I made a bunch of super fun, grabbing life by the horns resolutions like kayaking everymonth and learning how to bollywood, and I didn’t keep any of them. Womp, womp.
It seems that all I did was work, work, work. And shop. But it never really filled the hole in my heart and it just stressed me out even more about money.
My New Year’s resolutions this year are just to take care of my body because my mind is a mess. At the top of the list? Flossing every day. Totally living on the edge.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My best friend gave birth to my beautiful, beautiful goddaughter. On a side note, her pregnancy also caused me to flip the frig out and sent me straight into therapy. Which was a good thing. In hindsight.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Nana died. I was going through the whirlwind of IVF when she died and was on bed rest for her funeral so I wasn’t able to attend. When I was pregnant, it all seemed okay, but after I miscarried, I was so angry I missed it. I’m still so sad about it. I miss her. I know she would make me feel better.
5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico. Jamaica. J and I went on a cruise in June. It was the best vacation we’ve ever taken.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A baby. Really, really badly.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
12/2 – Yay! I’m finally pregnant!
12/16 – No baby on the ultrasound. Bad news bears.
12/22 – D & C
Enter sadness, and sadness, and you guessed it, more sadness.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting pregnant.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Worrying about things that I had no control over and letting my baby hysteria take over my life. Still.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The miscarriage turned my life upside down.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Bleh.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I was really hurt after I was told that my pregnancy wasn't successful that the nurses in my doctor's office didn't look me in the eye.
14. Where did most of your money go?
To my closet.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being pregnant.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Raise Your Glass.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Sadder, like to the 10th power.
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter, I’ve gone from a size 6 to a size 10. I’d really like to lose weight, but with all the unhappiness, I really need to focus my energy. And losing weight is not really a top priority.
c) richer or poorer?
About the same.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Enjoyed the moment.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worry.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I'm already head over heels for J.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Real Housewives, Glee, 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom
23. Do you hate anyone this year that you didn't hate last year?
Not really
24. What was the best book you read?
The Alchemist. I know, I know. Hello? It's a classic. But I'd never read it until this year.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My taste in music is pretty lame. If I "discover" anything, it's because it's so wildly popular, I'd have to be living under a rock not to "discover" it.
26. What did you want and get?
Pregnant.
27. What did you want and not get?
A baby.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I rarely watch movies because I have the attention span of a gnat, but I really loved Easy A.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 34. I worked. Duh. I did Saturday school and then I tutored. I had dinner with my family and friends at the Yardhouse.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Staying pregnant
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Feminine, flirty dresses.
32. What kept you sane?
J, my amazing friends.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson. Did you know that boy can sing, too? Loves it.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
None. Not too heavy into the political scene.
35. Who did you miss?
Me. I've become this person I don't even recognize anymore.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Some new peeps at my new job.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Life is unfair. But it is what it is.
38. What song lyrics best categorizes 2010?
Cry
Jason Walker
Oh no, where did all the years go
And was it really worth all of this
Heartache that was handed to me
Holding on just don't make sense
But the hardest part of letting go
Is tryin' to find a way
To let you know
So we'll just cry, cry
On each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over
Can't it just be over
And we'll just cry, cry
Cry until it's all gone
Been holding on for too long
Time for us to move on
I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
39. What song lyrics will categorize 2011?
I don't know. I'll let you know when I find it.
Consistent Therapy, Acupuncture, IVF, Pregnancy, Miscarriage
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I made a bunch of super fun, grabbing life by the horns resolutions like kayaking everymonth and learning how to bollywood, and I didn’t keep any of them. Womp, womp.
It seems that all I did was work, work, work. And shop. But it never really filled the hole in my heart and it just stressed me out even more about money.
My New Year’s resolutions this year are just to take care of my body because my mind is a mess. At the top of the list? Flossing every day. Totally living on the edge.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My best friend gave birth to my beautiful, beautiful goddaughter. On a side note, her pregnancy also caused me to flip the frig out and sent me straight into therapy. Which was a good thing. In hindsight.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Nana died. I was going through the whirlwind of IVF when she died and was on bed rest for her funeral so I wasn’t able to attend. When I was pregnant, it all seemed okay, but after I miscarried, I was so angry I missed it. I’m still so sad about it. I miss her. I know she would make me feel better.
5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico. Jamaica. J and I went on a cruise in June. It was the best vacation we’ve ever taken.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A baby. Really, really badly.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
12/2 – Yay! I’m finally pregnant!
12/16 – No baby on the ultrasound. Bad news bears.
12/22 – D & C
Enter sadness, and sadness, and you guessed it, more sadness.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting pregnant.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Worrying about things that I had no control over and letting my baby hysteria take over my life. Still.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
The miscarriage turned my life upside down.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Bleh.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I was really hurt after I was told that my pregnancy wasn't successful that the nurses in my doctor's office didn't look me in the eye.
14. Where did most of your money go?
To my closet.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being pregnant.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Raise Your Glass.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Sadder, like to the 10th power.
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter, I’ve gone from a size 6 to a size 10. I’d really like to lose weight, but with all the unhappiness, I really need to focus my energy. And losing weight is not really a top priority.
c) richer or poorer?
About the same.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Enjoyed the moment.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worry.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family.
21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I'm already head over heels for J.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
Real Housewives, Glee, 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom
23. Do you hate anyone this year that you didn't hate last year?
Not really
24. What was the best book you read?
The Alchemist. I know, I know. Hello? It's a classic. But I'd never read it until this year.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My taste in music is pretty lame. If I "discover" anything, it's because it's so wildly popular, I'd have to be living under a rock not to "discover" it.
26. What did you want and get?
Pregnant.
27. What did you want and not get?
A baby.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I rarely watch movies because I have the attention span of a gnat, but I really loved Easy A.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 34. I worked. Duh. I did Saturday school and then I tutored. I had dinner with my family and friends at the Yardhouse.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Staying pregnant
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Feminine, flirty dresses.
32. What kept you sane?
J, my amazing friends.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Robert Pattinson. Did you know that boy can sing, too? Loves it.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
None. Not too heavy into the political scene.
35. Who did you miss?
Me. I've become this person I don't even recognize anymore.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
Some new peeps at my new job.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Life is unfair. But it is what it is.
38. What song lyrics best categorizes 2010?
Cry
Jason Walker
Oh no, where did all the years go
And was it really worth all of this
Heartache that was handed to me
Holding on just don't make sense
But the hardest part of letting go
Is tryin' to find a way
To let you know
So we'll just cry, cry
On each other's shoulders
Cry until it's over
Can't it just be over
And we'll just cry, cry
Cry until it's all gone
Been holding on for too long
Time for us to move on
I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why
39. What song lyrics will categorize 2011?
I don't know. I'll let you know when I find it.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Therapy
If I write it down, it won't hurt so much.
It won't grow so big and so strong that it chokes me from the inside. I won't cry so much.
And maybe one day, I won't want it so much.
Because right now, all I can think about is the life I lost, and the sadness I'm drowning in.
It won't grow so big and so strong that it chokes me from the inside. I won't cry so much.
And maybe one day, I won't want it so much.
Because right now, all I can think about is the life I lost, and the sadness I'm drowning in.
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